It seems only right to start the blog off with some words from Fia Theobald. Fia struggled with her mental health very publicly and was working toward becoming a mental health champion, sadly she lost her battle in July of 2017.
The Part of Me you Don’t See
Little Fia is a alter ego I accidentally created to distract people from the real me. Little fia is sassy, she takes no shit. Her Instagram is nothing but tits and ass and her Facebook feed is mostly hilarious witty status’. I would describe myself as a fake extrovert. On the surface i’m confident and capable of taking the lime light in any social scenario but as soon as I leave the busy crowds and I reach the refuge of a dingy toilet cubicle, before I’ve even managed to undo my zipper, my brain is throbbing with aggressive, violent thoughts about hurting myself. I use the bathroom, i wash my hands and I step back out into the crowds and I carry on as normal.
Recently, there isn’t anything or anyone that can distract me from the shit storm that is kicking off in my head. I wake on a morning and recoil at the fact I have to exist for another day. I have a little bag of mixed benzodiapines that I purchased online and they along with my friends pretty much keep me going. When my thoughts get out of hand, which they often do, I pop one in my mouth, swallow, and secretly hope i’m consuming Cyanide which will allow me to extinguish myself once and for all. I have battled with depression for some years now. I have made various attempts to take my own life in the past and after one particularly hefty overdose, I can vividly recall my mum perched next to my hospital bed asking me if she was a bad mother and this is one of the reasons why I still exist. I wish I could Ctrl + Alt & delete myself from life without causing any pain or suffering to my loved ones. I recently found myself at A&E telling them I was ready to kill myself. I was desperate. When I am in that frame of mind there isn’t anything anyone can do or say that can appease my mind. The thoughts turn into physical feelings much like when you need the bathroom. You can hold it in but not forever.
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When the make up is off, when the lingerie is away. When the curtains are closed, when the door is locked I fall to pieces.
The reason I keep so much of myself hidden is for fear of the stigma and discrimination towards people with mental health which I have received on countless occasions. Research shows that up to 90% people with mental health problems experience some form of stigma, whether from friends and family, at work, in education or during treatment. (figures from timetochange.org)
Fuck the stigma and discrimination attached to mental health. I am now one of 8000 mental health champions who will be campaigning to make a difference.
This is me.
This is the part of me you don’t see.
This is the part of me I kept hidden, until now.
Photos By Declan Creffield See his instagram here. For more information on The Fia Not Campaign or to donate, click here.